For someone who likes to agonise over the minutiae going
through my head at any given moment, and who is also known to ramble on to any
friend or family member who will listen to these said thoughts I have been
bewildered as to why I have been avoiding my pseudo-therapist’s couch; aka my
blog. My blog is a way for me to attempt to make more sense of the craziness
and to clear my mind, hoping at the same time, in some small way it may have
you ‘nodding’ in acknowledgment that you too have had these same thoughts.
But lately I haven’t been able to face my blog at all. I am literally so
deep in what seems to be too many ‘big life decisions’ at the moment that I
can’t see the forest for the trees. I have started about four or five blog
posts over the last month or so and just can’t seem to work up the interest to
finish them and at the same time although annoyed at myself for not following
through with them I have also given myself a bit of a leave pass. Acknowledging
that sometimes it’s all just too much, and sometimes, something’s got to give.
As I have written about before one of the reasons I
starting this blog was to attempt to workshop a ‘Plan B’ for my future career
direction. And the deadline for making a decision as to whether I return to my
job is looming, and the more I think about it, the quicker it seems to be
approaching.
After putting making an actual decision on the backburner
for a while, recently I quietly sat down, thought about the issues involved and
realised that although not something I was really thrilled to do, the adult, parent
and responsible person in me decided that I should return to work. I wouldn’t
be returning full time and to many I am sure the time and energy I have expended to make this decision might seem silly and frivolous. But for me it
is bigger than this. It’s an acceptance of things which to be honest I am not
sure I want to face. Returning to the job that I have had for my whole adult
life, one that has turned from a dream job to a ‘suck the life out of you’ kind
of job feels, well…unfair. It’s had me kicking the dirt toddler-style,
my arms crossed in front of me yelling, “But
I don’t want to!” Right now I can hear my husband saying, “Geez, talk about being over dramatic”.
And yes I am being dramatic but after nearly 3 years of maternity leave with
only a very brief stint at work in between kids, the willingness I had
to accept that although no longer my dream career but a job I should be happy to have
has diminished significantly.
Saying having kids changes you, is a phrase banded about
all over the place and for good reason, it’s true. They make you see life and
yourself in a new way; sometimes bringing out the worst in you and other times
shining a light on a part of your personality that you never knew existed.
Whichever it is, at the end of the day whether your report card for your
efforts was a ‘D’ or an ‘A’ you vow that tomorrow you will do it better, that
you really want to put all you can into being the best parent you can for these
little people because they are worth every little bit of your effort and
energy. Therefore I am finding it hard to take these lofty ideals that I
attempt to uphold as a Mum and transfer them to my ‘paid’ job, because the
reasons for returning there don’t come close, not even in the slightest.
Returning to a job just for the ‘pay check’ seems just so soul destroying.
Of course I know that providing for your family is an
admirable reason to return to work but when you are not the main bread winner,
your part, although a contribution, seems to lose any bigger
meaning.
Husband, likes to ‘tell me how it is’, no sugar coating
it, when talking through this decision and most of the time although what he is
saying is true, I just don’t want to hear it. I literally just want to put my
hands over my ears and start yelling “LA, LA, LA, LA” at the top of my lungs.
(See I told you very todder-like of me). Although supportive of whatever
decision I make his main concern has been my lack of direction in finding
another career I may want to pursue.
Then few weeks ago following a discussion
with my wonderful mother’s group friends we started discussing a particular
field of interest we were all keen on. It had been a career I had considered
for a while but had put it in the ‘too hard’ basket. I went home and
immediately researched what uni courses I would have to do and I started to get
excited. It was the first time, (well probably apart from dreaming about being a
paid blogger!), that I started to get excited at the prospect of starting a new
career and all at once I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
The next few weeks I poured over course outlines, emailed unis and attempted to
calculate just how many years it would take me to finish another degree.
Normally I would have just dismissed it, but I really felt like it was
something I could actually put my heart into and that although it would take a
lot of work and some sacrifices I could make it work.
Working next to mummy |
The high I felt for the next few days was wonderful, I
timidly told friends of my possible plans and everyone was super encouraging.
Then one night a few weeks later I googled some employment opportunities in
that particular field. The pay was average to say the least. I did not think
they were highly paid, and to be honest pay has never been a driving force for
me but when I started thinking about the fact that I could earn the same amount
at my current job working just two days a week the reality rollercoaster took
another steep downward run. I started thinking about the actuality of embarking
upon a whole new career with two toddlers. How
was I going to attend uni classes when I don’t have babysitters on hand? How
was I going to study for the next five years and raise the kids which is
already a full time job? And to top it off not only would I not be getting
paid while I studied, we would have to fork out a ridiculous amount of money
for a new degree. I would be starting at the bottom once I graduated, would
have to do shift work and get paid a mediocre wage. It all started to look just
too hard.
I know what some of you might say, “If you really want it, you will find a way”, and look I am not
dismissing it entirely but as much as I don’t want to accept it I may have to
put forging a new career on hold for a while. Maybe I will return to my old job
and it won’t be as bad as I had imagined?(one can only hope!). At the moment, I
still feel like I am on a bit of a downer about the whole situation. Although
our family can survive on one income for now, expenses with kids just
increases, ours aren’t even at school yet and I would have to get a job eventually.
I know that some Mums don’t have the luxury of having a choice whether they
return to work or not, and I feel for them. I also know some Mums love their
job and feel it makes them a better parent, and to them I say “More power to
you!”, but for this Mum having to make a decision on this subject is just too
hard. Being an adult is tough, no strike that, being an adult sometimes just
sucks big time.
wow....it's like you've been inside my head! i've been at home now for four years and the thought of returning to paid work fills me with such anxiety. you had me nodding (and getting a little teary) at all the things you've put forward for consideration. i too investigated a new career path, until the cold hard facts made that seem foolhardy. my lack of direction is also what concerned my husband, because to be honest, there wouldn't be much cashola making it through the door after long day care, nannies and before and after school care took their cut. but now, with my newfound love of blogging, i seem to have found some direction and engagement and that has made all the difference. good luck with your decision my lovely lady and just remember, it doesn't have to be final, flick x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your lovely words Flick! It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Yes blogging has certainly filled a void for me too. You are right, nothing is forever, good and bad so I'll just have to forge forward with that in mind! xx
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